Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
