I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
