I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
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But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"