Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
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my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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