I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
