Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
