Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?