I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize