Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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