She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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