Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
