i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
