I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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