insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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