I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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