R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
wakey wakey hands off snakey
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
