I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just cropdusted the office
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
did i walk over a car last night?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
