You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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