What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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