Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
