Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
