I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
