Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
