Do you still have your period?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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