Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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