Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
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Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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