I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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