i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
