I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
