All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
