My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
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I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
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I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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