I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
