OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
