i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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