I must be too annoying 4 u.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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