Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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