you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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