Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My ATM looks so different sober.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
