Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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