do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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