someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
my liver is dry heaving
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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