So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
