So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
