the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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