got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
