Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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