i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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