In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
