exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
