"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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