i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
