i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
