I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
