Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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