my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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