He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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