new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
