She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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