Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
