my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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