who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
