I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
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He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
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Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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