New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
