I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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