I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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