As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
